Black Angels, Inc.

Rocky here...

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 17:23:59 GMT

Anyone know how we can make this thing a community? And all post? And stuff? Stuff like that? Stuff stuff stuff...

GToD!!!

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 17:23:13 GMT

or, "Go-Go still doesn't have AIM for Gang Chat because her internet access at home was cut off because she can't pay her phone bill and if she gets caught with the AIM at work her ass is grass so shut the fuck up"!!!!

Ahem. I recently received the entire contents of a storage unit containing pretty much every surviving possession of mine from K-12. Among these contents: a big box of "Archie" comic books, which Rocky used to read at camp. Well, I mean, not THESE books that *I* have, but other books that she had. As a wee little camp-going, horseback-riding lady. Anyway, so I've been re-reading these books, for lack of anything else to do and lack of initiative to actually find anything else do. And, after hours upon hours of painstaking calculations and research, I have decided who each of the Black Angels would be dating in good ol' Riverdale:

Tuff: Veronica. No contest
Rocky: Dilton Doiley, the smart little genius guy with glasses, b/c in real life he would be some egghead indie kid.
Lex: Jughead, because he is tall and skinny with dark hair, and I am pretty sure he's a stoner b/c he eats all the time and never opens his eyes all the way.
Go-Go: Betty, because she is a big loser who never has a legitimate date and is a total GC to the max.

If any of the Black Angels are not familiar with these masterworks of literature and the characters therein, look them up on the world wide internet. I am sure there plenty of Archie-related websites out there, as I'm sure there are also people out there as dorky as I am who devote time to pursuing asinine topics such as this one.

Please discuss. Ready.....go.

Goo,
Gang Liberrian

And remember, this is a LI-BERRY, not a CRY-BERRY.
--Newsflash, weiner! You ain't never gonna be in the Black Angels!

In honor of the upcoming New Year...

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:40:04 GMT

I almost forgot how much I loved Dateline:Kennel from the Lileks site.

In the interest of the Black Angels' new plan of making old things new (which is a plan that I very much love, because there have been some wonderful times to revisit):

FutureDog! Dog of The Future! One of those dreadful 60s glimpses into the world to come, when bouffanted women would stuff Asta in a plastic crypt when they were off slamming MaiTais and smoking Silva Thins [1]. The poor dog is even wearing a cape, which is even more mortifying. Dogs do not want to wear capes. Dogs are not interested in the future.

The writing on the bottom of the cage, incidentally, says “Patent Pending.” What possible patent could they have for this device? A new way of making dogs find it impossible to get comfortable?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1] From the book I am currently reading (see, not just old stuff!)(well, the essay is from 1996), How To Be Alone, by Jonathan Franzen, an essay about cigarettes and smoking entitled "Sifting the Ashes":

Silva Thins - "...American Tobacco product that wooed the female demographic with such appalling copy as "Cigarettes are like girls, the best ones are rich and thin."

So put that in your Futurebook, Chris! And ummm....smoke...it...?

Archival

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 20:15:59 GMT

This is the beginning - the first signs of Lex I can find. And it's SUCH a classic!!

------------------------

From: jaltman; on behalf of; Rocky the Knife [jaltman@amazon.com] To: adamp Cc: Lex Ruthless Subject: just for the record... Sent: Wed 6/2/1999 4:50 PM

I did NOT put Lex Ruthless (perhaps known to you as mbonanno) up to that
- asking you to adopt us. I am not sure, even, that she is/was aware of
my campaign to move in...

However, now that the topic has come up (once again), I did want to
point out that even though I've got my own place now, and I'm a big
girl, out in the real world, testing my wings, leaving the nest, yadda
yadda yadda (translation: "and stuff"), don't worry about not seeing me
anymore! I mean, i'll still be coming home on weekends, and for holidays
and stuff (so remind manya to set a place for one more at the ol' dinner
table! wait - 2, with lex. oh, and kristen, of course. and roscoe. the
dog comes too. so that's 4. remember, 4 extra places each holiday. and
sunday. because that's family day. god bless), and to do my laundry. and
to use the phone for long distance calls and stuff.

like i mentioned before, pretty much the same deal - tuition's done, no
grad school in the near future (but it may still happen), i'll finish
paying off the student loans, i've got benefits (from my stupid job...),
BUT you will still have to cover food and stuff like that. easter candy.
school shoes. and so forth. and my boyfriend shane "supervisor" alderton
rides a motorcycle, so he's kind of a bad boy. you may want to forbid me
to see him anymore. god, and then we'll fight, and manya will cry, and
there'll be a whole lot of door slamming. Also, when lex is home to
visit at the same time as me, then i still get the big room, and she
can't touch my stuff. OW! stop hitting me! leave me alone! no! you are!
YOU ARE!! shut up! i'll KICK you down that damn aisle! adam!
aaaaadaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm!!

yay, family! go team!

Black Angels Email Flashback (1st in a series of many)

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 01:10:49 GMT

From: Clauson, Kristen [kclauson@amazon.com]

To: Clauson, Kristen; Bonanno, Melanie

Cc: blackangel_rocky@yahoo.com

Subject: RE: shut UP!!!!!!!!!

Sent: Tue 11/6/2001 9:28 AM

by the by, who votes that we induct this as our newest gang weapon? it can somehow occasionally be integrated with the POBAPOD. perfection, i tellya.

-----Original Message-----
From: Clauson, Kristen
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2001 12:27 PM
To: Bonanno, Melanie
Cc: 'blackangel_rocky@yahoo.com'
Subject: shut UP!!!!!!!!!

</td></tr>

Keith Howe
Cashier
"To think that just a short time ago, the biggest worry in opening your mail was that a package might contain a spring-propelled boxing glove that knocked you unconscious."

GToD: Policy in the event of hitching.

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 22:36:37 GMT

This meeting of the Black Angels has come to order. Goo? Could you take the minutes, please?

The first matter of business SHOULD be what to do about our gang outfits, 'cause I saw the Incredibles, and now I have to wonder why WEEE don't have our own designer and wonder fabric and outfits that exemplify our individual gang member strengths and stuff...

But first, we have a policy issue. What happens if a Black Angel gets hitched? 'Cause, uh... me & JMC have decided I should be the matron of fire instead of the mistress. And stuff. In a year and a half. So, uh, am I going to have to pay higher gang dues? Does JMC have to perform any ritualistic sacrifices to the Black Angels or go through some sort of Official Future Spouse of a Black Angel (OFSoaBA) hazing or something? It's not like just anyone gets to be a Black-Angel-In-Law.

Thoughts, please.

xoxo,

Lexie.

"homie don't play that."

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 22:16:01 GMT

I just overheard one of my co-workers say this, in reaction to something someone else said. She said it overloud, like she wanted to hear herself say it, because it sounded cool and glib.

This place is a goldmine. Honestly.

-G.C.

Best Newest OFoTBA

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 18:11:34 GMT

Trampus Conway.

I do believe that is the world's finest name. I don't know Trampus, but how could one fail to live up to a name like Trampus Conway? Therefore let us write Trampus a letter and invite him to be an Official Friend of the Black Angels. And ask him if he has a sister named Slatternina.

Do you think he drives a T-Top??

Sincerely,

Goo
Gang Librarian

Ladies.

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 01:13:34 GMT

Lex Ruthless here... I have just now read the last month of gang-related Live Journal materials. Rocky has a job? Tuff's gay? Goo drinks saki??? WHAT HAVE *I* BEEN DOING?! Nothing.

I'm too deep undercover, like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Rush. The heroin is taking control. Am I Lex Ruthless (a.k.a. Serpico), gang-tough email master of human life? Or am I a textbook-reading, too-studious-to-get-high, mild-mannered ho-HUMMER?!!?!?! FUCK. I play Scrabble more frequently than I write e-mail. I can't even remember where I parked my go-kart. I found my danger knife buried under a pile of knitting.

You ladies aren't going to kick me out of the gang, right? You'll send me to gang rehab so I can toughen up? I'll try harder. I just kicked a little kid in the nuts, that's tough, right??? Don't let me turn out like Vood... I need Official Black Angel Gang Rehab Interventions (OBAGRIs).

I anxiously await your reply. With garbage-flavor baited breath.

They call me the Tamponator

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 22:01:11 GMT

China.....Cheri Oteri
Ana.....Ana Gasteyer
Nicki.....Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher.....Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet.....Paula Pell
Priest.....Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, St. Monica's High School. Fade to interior, girl's restroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]

China: Oh, my God! I can't believe we stole the community wine!

Ana: We would've gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn't fallen out of your bra.

Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I'm just getting a good buzz going!

China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]

Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!

Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] "Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice. Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie."

Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they're tough enough to be a Black Angel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?

Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in our vicious gang!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw "The Patty Hearst Story" on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl."

Nicki: You want to be one of us?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Ana: You're about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!

[ Black Angels laugh ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!

Ana: That's pretty good..

China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..

Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!

Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!

[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]

China: I'll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ]

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]

Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I've done it before.

Ana: Freak-y..

China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet's coming!

Nicki: Next sin is: you've got to insult a nun!

[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]

Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don't forget - Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ]

[ Black Angels reappear ]

Ana: I can't believe you did that..

China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!

Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So, here's the deal: China's gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?

Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I'm an asthmatic, so if you're gonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?

Nicki: Oh, we're gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.

Male Student: Hi..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?

Male Student: Okay..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]

Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My "Babyon 5" Internet chat room is never gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs out excitedly ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?

[ Black Angels laugh at her ]

Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain't never gonna be in the Black Angels!

China: Yeah, dream on, headband!

Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story". And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] "You think that I'm afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, 'cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I'll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! 'Cause if I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands and I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ]

[ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China's leather jacket and Ana's cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]

Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What's it to you, Collar?

Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does her victory split ] Black Angel!

[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]

No.

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 20:21:05 GMT

It is a bad, bad, bad, bad day.

On a lighter note, I saw the genesis for our gang the other night: the SNL episode w/the sketch in which MKG takes the Black Angels. "I'llkillya! I'llkillya! I'llkillya! I'llkillya! I'llkillya!"

So that's good or whatever.

Announcing...

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 21:37:09 GMT

Drumroll please...

The newest member of the Official Friends of the Black Angels (OFOTBA):

Please welcome Olivia Jane Alderton - who, as Shane says, "decided to crash the party 3 weeks early..."

Let's hear it for Lolo!!!

And now, the proud father:

Please note Shane's lovely wife, Jana, who I can only assume is sitting pretty in the hospital bed.

you are right, rocky.

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 05:55:19 GMT

We need some rivals. first up: GAR. the FAKE-ASS FAKE "Black Angel(s)." Whatevs, Gar. He's got an ass-kicking coming to him.

What about........real estate developers? They are the subject of my new vendetta. True, they are not exactly a "gang", but they've got to have an association or something - on both coasts, I'll just bet - and we can infiltrate and crash their lame real-estate congratulation parties (free booze, free food!) I mean, how much more low-key can you get than a goddamn real estate party? Talk about lame. But not as lame as GAR. He's first in line.

Or what about......Mary Kay salesladies? Well, they never really hurt anyone, I guess. But they do drive pink cars. Do they deserve an ass-kickin'? I don't know, I could maybe never forgive myself, as bad-ass as I am, for knocking over a 72-year-old Mary Kay saleslady and stomping on her sales case just to prove I'm a tough-guy.

Or, speaking of Mary Kay....THE OLSEN TWINS!!!! RIGHT ON!!!

They're sort of a gang. A freaky, troll-faced, super-rich, Wal-Mart clothes-peddling gang of two people who look exactly like one another except for different hair colors. But I think we'd get shot if we tried that. Hey, Rocky, why don't you try and suss that one out (not the getting shot, just the rumbling with the Olsen Twins.) They go to NYU. US magazine told me. "They're Just Like Us!!"

OK. I'm out of ideas for now.

xo - Goo

Gang Topic of the Day: We need some rivals!

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 18:16:25 GMT

As we have all learned from movies about alien invasion of the Earth, nothing brings people together more than a little competition. What I'm saying here, people, is that we need to fight some other gangs in order to...well, in order to give us something to do. I myself am unemployed, so I have taken it upon myself to get the ball rolling on this endeavor. I'm in the process of searching the internet for some rival gangs. I figure this is the easiest way to find some, since you can find just about anything on the internet. Maybe eBay will have some listed.

In the past, we have resorted to making up gangs to fight, including such possibilities as The Cosmo.com Bike Delivery Guys (Lex deemed them too cute, the rest of us simply deemed them too fast), The Valet Parking Staff at Morton's Steakhouse (still my favorite, due to the inevitable involvement of parking cones), and of course, The Night Crew at Old Navy (they were the winners because of the conveyor belt they used to unload stock from the trucks - leading to our first hit movie, Black Angels on the Belt, which did not, despite some initial confusion, refer to the Bible Belt. That will be our next movie).

This time, I think, since we have obviously become such a well-organized gang, and since we have proved that our status as a bi-coastal gang does not decrease our gang enthusiasm (although it is occasionally slightly detrimental to Gang Nights Out), we can now take on bigger and better rivals. Namely, ones that have already proclaimed themselves organizations, and who are aware that they actually exist as cohesive groups (unlike the people we were previously targeting, who would have been very confused by an attack. Which at least gave us the benefit of the element of surprise - there is nothing like taking on a pack of nuns who have no idea that there is a dangerous roving internet gang looking for a fight to scare the mother-lovin' bejesus out of them).

Okay, so the first and most obvious place to start - other Black Angels. Why not? Because, hey, fuck 'em, right?

George Crumb - Black Angels (Images I)

"Black Angels is probably the only quartet to have been inspired by the Vietnam War. The work draws from an arsenal of sounds including shouting, chanting, whistling, whispering, gongs, maracas, and crystal glasses. The score bears two inscriptions: in tempore belli (in time of war) and "Finished on Friday the Thirteenth, March, 1970".

Black Angels was conceived as a kind of parable on our troubled contemporary world. The numerous quasi-programmatic allusions in the work are therefore symbolic, although the essential polarity -- God versus Devil -- implies more than a purely metaphysical reality. The image of the "black angel" was a conventional device used by early painters to symbolize the fallen angel."

Decision: No. Way. Boy Howdy. They would kick our asses. Okay, sure, they are a quartet, but still - they are the scariest quartet ever. We have to recognize our limits. But I like this part:

Things were turned upside down. There were terifying things in the air ... they found their way into Black Angels. - George Crumb, 1990

We should totally steal that. Except don't let Mr. Crumb know. Because, really, Dude is Not Kidding Around.

The Black Angels Motorcycle Club

Decision: Unfortunately, still slightly out of our league, for the following reasons:

They have a Mission. We do not. We do have business cards, though.
They have a website. We have a registered domain name that I have not managed to do anything with in over 4 years.
They have a webmaster named Sir Duke!
They have a President. Now, while we did think of titles, we never really got further than Gang Librarian and In Charge of Outer Space. We also still have a problem with the use of "further" vs. "farther" (although that might be a good name for our Roe vs. Wade political one-hour Thanksgiving after-school special. Script on the way.)
I fear that their real motorcycles might, in some ways (but certainly not all), be a little bit more reliable than our imaginary go-karts.
And last, but not least, do you want to fuck with this dude?

Tyrone D. Reed, President, Black Angels Motorcycle Club of Atlanta

Club Name: "Top-Dog"

Rocky's Reaction: "HOLY SHIT!"

SDF-1 Black Angels

Black angels are the elite of the deep space attack and covert misssions of espionage. They are only match by the famous Skull and Red talons. Black angels are the elite for pilot assignments out of the acedemy and only the top 5% are select for this squardorn.

Decision: No, because they are fake, but they are still pretty cool. And I'm thinking of joining them.

More to come... xo, Rocky the Knife

in Seattle

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:34:21 GMT

there are 2 black angels in the "emerald city" right now. although i am going back to yakima tonight for the weekend, courtesy of some little shuttle-thingy, and i forgot my blanket so i can sleep on the bus (or shuttle, or whatever.) yesterday i was supposed to meet lex at the elysian, and i am so rad that i fell asleep for like 9 hours and completely missed my window of opportunity to drink pumpkin ale and eat an eggplant parmigian (um, sp?) sandwich, not to mention seeing the Ruthless. i am stupid.

i wish i could elaborate on my week but i don't have time right now. rest assured i will be doing so tonight, probably while sloshed, and i know you're all waiting with bated breath. baited breath? yuck.

xo -

goo

ps - i love jessie's new best friend, kathleen hanna.

Go-Go Loves Kathleen

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 18:57:46 GMT

From the Entertainment News Desk of the Black Angels Headquarters:

On Tuesday I went to see Le Tigre at an in-store show at a little-known, underground music store called Tower Records.

Can you even with JD in this picture? Because I so cannot.

After the show (and a quick dinner at Panna II, "Where Chili-Pepper Lights Meets Christmas Tree Lights," and also "Where Rocky Once Ran Into Her Showtune-Singin' Cousin Scott in the Middle of the Afternoon,"), I went to the after-party here:

The Tribeca Grand is very grand, indeed.

While I did manage to snag a poster and some stickers, I did not manage to get Kathleen Hanna to agree to marry Goo. I did not even actually talk to Kathleen Hanna. But that's okay, Goo - I know your heart belongs to Neko Case. Want a sticker, though? Lex? Sticker? They're black and silver and they say Le Tigre and they look very tuff.

xo,

Rocky the Knife

Are you ready to rumble?

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 18:23:35 GMT

Okay, Black Angels. Here we go.

First order of business - who are the other Black Angels on LiveJournal? When trying to select a username, I came across the following two people: black_angels and blackangels . The former is the journal of "Max Fischer," which is the name of the main character in Rushmore, and may very well *not* be this guy's real name. Therefore, he is a LIAR. He also listens to Steve Vai. Not that I'm the type to judge - of course not! I'm just sayin'.

The latter is just a guy named Gary. Gary hasn't updated since 2001, when he wrote one introductory entry, and left it at that. He also signed it "Gar," which is a stupid nickname, because, really, how hard is it to put that last letter in there? What a waste of a good username.

Hugs and Kisses,

Rocky the Knife

P.S. "Goo," on the other hand, is a great nickname.